When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
How to draw a duck
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.