first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
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[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.