How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
You Might Also Like
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this