“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
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Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
They’re not wrong
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*