*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
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Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
this chia pet tastes awful
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.