I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
i smell a pulitzer
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.