I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
You Might Also Like
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO