There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
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“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”