Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
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*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?