Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Not today
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.