I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener