That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
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Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!