17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
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[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!