Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
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[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
me: my friends:
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Note to self: always read the final line
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?