I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
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I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”