“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
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[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
oh my gosh!!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.