The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
WHY?!
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.