{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
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i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog