20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
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“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.