“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
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Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.