one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
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Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
FINE, I WON’T.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.