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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
San Francisco has too many rules
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Dishonest mechanic?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.