The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.