[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”