[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”