The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.