I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
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Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
excuse me
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.