[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
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Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise