When you’re here for the treats.
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Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse