While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom