Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
You Might Also Like
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.