*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”