I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
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Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?