i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
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If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
A Short Story.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Well, that should do it
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.