Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”