When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
You Might Also Like
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???