Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
You Might Also Like
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.