[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
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Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I need to update my racial profile.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..