Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
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[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.