Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
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Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
@funTweeters I am at your service….
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box