[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
You Might Also Like
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Every work meeting this week
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I can fix him.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Do not levitate over flowers
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween