[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.