“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.