My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
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It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Interior design 👌
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight