I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
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[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!