[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
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me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Tomorrow鈥檚 weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you鈥檙e just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick鈥檚 Day!
Me: That鈥檚 today?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that鈥檚 a monkey鈥檚 name.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
馃槵
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My 8YO鈥檚 drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I鈥檓 helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children鈥檚 names these days are completely out of hand.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I鈥檒l do it after this level.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who鈥檒l never have an entire summer off again.