i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
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I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
He a real one for that
PARKOUR
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
some cats are just doing for fun!
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!