[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
You Might Also Like
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
How to make infinite energy.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!