What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution