I think I’m having a stroke
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Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Mood.. 😂
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter